Daily Life In Meat Land. Episode I: The House

By popular demand, here is the first in a series about the more mundane elements of our lives in the Czech Republic.

The House
We live in a large six-unit duplex in a functionalist building from 1930. Our apartment (second floor, white half) includes two large bedrooms, a very airy living room, an adequate kitchen, and small "maid's room" whose namesake never seems to be here (which causes no end of frustrating toilet scrubbing...if you ever see her, tell her she's fired).

Generally speaking, we feel incredibly lucky. The neighborhood is beautiful and quiet. The house is well made, there is tons of storage space, and even the less-than-well-made IKEA furniture lends the place a enduring patina of European efficiency. It's good.

And yet, it's not quite what we're used to. A couple of key differences:

• Separate water heaters: the kitchen and bathroom each have their own water heaters. Aesthetically speaking, they aren't exactly subtle, but having the heater right there means shorter waits for hot water AND there's nothing like SEEING that blue flame to remind one of how many fossilized triceratopi go into each of our baths. It's really appalling.
  
• No shower: Bath? yes. Hand-held shower-do-hickey? yes. But wall-mounted shower and shower curtain? No. Very sad. Very cold. But not cold enough to go "European" (i.e., a little more pungent than the American norm). Still, it definitely cuts down on water consumption. Between the lack of shower head and the telling "blue flame," I think we've significantly reduced our environmental foot print (read: thank God for deodorant!) And, in a funny twist of "right-hand-holding-the-shower-thing-fate," my left-hand side is much cleaner than my right.
• Separate toilet (WC) and bathroom: for the first month this customary European design drove us crazy (how many times did I rush into the bathroom, only to find the key piece of furniture missing?!!!)
  
• Swing-in windows: the fad here is to have these excellent windows that open two ways--normal horizontal way (i.e., hinge on the side) AND, if you rotate the handle in a different direction, new nifty vertical way (i.e. hinge on the bottom). EXCELLENT fun for one and all. Are you one of those men who wants to feel "European" but can't quite bring yourself to don a Speedo at the beach? Well, this is the solution for you.
  
• Small and oh-so-slooooooow washer-dryer: This cruel little crate that masquerades as an "appliance" is tiny, the dryer doesn't dry, it is crazy LOUD, and takes ~3 hours to just do the wash cycle. So yes, we are getting used to using the drying rack, but y'all North Americans out there should take a break from reading this blog for a moment of thankful silence on bended knee in front of your SUV-sized Maytags and Kenmores. Damn, I miss ours!
  
• The "His and Hers" Mattress and Comforter: I don't know if this is how things are done in the rest of the continent, but let's hope this fad doesn't jump the Atlantic. It's like some kind of ill-conceived, "Da Vinci Code"-inspired anti-papist plot to reduce the birth rate! Shame on the Europeans.
  
• The WMACAC (the World's Most Aesthetically-Challenged Arm Chair). Fortunately, it is not as unkind to the body as it is to the eye. But...we have TWO of them and sometimes? You know, when I think that someone designed it this way on PURPOSE? Well, I lose my faith in humanity. It's very depressing and, well, I'm sorry that I brought it up. (it MUST be somehow related to the "his and hers" mattress thing...I just can't figure out the connection).
  
• The cute shoe rack: I know this isn't so unique to the Czech Republic. But I love our cute shoe rack and I love my slippers and, you know, I love that when I use our cute shoe rack and my cute slippers that I am part of something bigger than myself--a NATIONAL cute house slippers tradition--and by this I mean something wholesome (besides beer and my pathetic attempts to use their inhumanely difficult language) that links me to each and every Czech man, woman, and child. Mr. Rogers, bless his soul, would love it here!
  

Enough about the house...maybe we'll talk about food next time? Or the neighborhood? You tell me. There is, OBVIOUSLY, a lot to say about absolutely nothing...especially when you are only marginally employed.